fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize