I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
