i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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