there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so let's talk penis.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
