just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
