Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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