Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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