dude i'm inner monologue high
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
