I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
