First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
