just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
