Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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