just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
