take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
