Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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