***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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