bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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