You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
