If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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