So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize