I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just high enough for therapy.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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