i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
