the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
