when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
vagina is talking i cant
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
