So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
