i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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