All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize