dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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