sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
