Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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