I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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