3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
