I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
