She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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