11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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