ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
