he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
