I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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