The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hippo gnu deer
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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