I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
