he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
