roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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