im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
