Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
