Well douche your snatch and let's go!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
