You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
