Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
