I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
