You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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