I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
