after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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