You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize