you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
