I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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