watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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