my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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