Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
