the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
