She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
