I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize